- Duration
- 60–90 minutes
- Who attends
- Agreed together, can change
- The therapist's role
- Not a judge
What happens in the room
A first session usually starts with hearing each person's version, one at a time, without interruption. That sounds simple, but for many families it is the first time in a long while that everyone gets to finish what they are saying.
After that, attention moves from the content of the arguments to the pattern: who usually starts, who withdraws, the exact point where the conversation always turns bad. The subject changes; the pattern is usually the same, and the pattern is what can be changed.
A therapist is not a judge and will not declare who is right. If what you are looking for is a third party to confirm your position, this session will disappoint you.
What the research shows
Meta-analyses and controlled trials support the effectiveness of couple therapy and systemic approaches for both relationship problems and adult mental health. For some conditions these approaches match evidence-based individual therapy — and for some, including relationship distress that is already severe, they do better.
Interestingly, the different models of couple therapy produce broadly similar results. What matters more than the name of the method is whether both people are genuinely present and willing to work on something between sessions.
Frequently asked questions
My partner will not come. Is it pointless?
Not pointless. Coming on your own is still useful: a relationship pattern has two sides, and changing one side changes the whole thing. Many people start alone and their partner joins later — not because they were talked into it, but because they saw something shift.
Should our child be in the session?
It depends on what is being worked on, and it is decided together. Children often help a great deal when the topic is how the family runs day to day. But conflict between parents is not something a child needs to witness, and we will not put them in that position.
Will the therapist tell us to separate?
That is not ours to say. Decisions about your relationship belong to you. Our work is to make the conversation possible, so that whatever you decide, you decide with a clearer understanding — including deciding to separate in a way that does less damage, if that is what happens.
Sources
The figures and recommendations on this page come from the sources below. The links go to third-party sites.
This page is educational and does not replace an examination by a doctor. If your child is unwell, or something does not feel right to you, have them seen first.